I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
