If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
