why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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