if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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