For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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