The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize