so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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