i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
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