I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
