i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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