chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
