Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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