Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
