The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
