Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
