The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We left an ass print on the piano.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
