who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
