Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
