I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
