Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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