I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize