even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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