i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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