I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
