I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
