i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i wish my penis had a tongue
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
