I accidentally had phone sex last night
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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