So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
