capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
