I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
