I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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