i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
