I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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