Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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