Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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