Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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