I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize