yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
