i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
