Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
