He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I didn't shave. On purpose
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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