i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
