i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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