Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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