Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
