I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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