my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
