I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
