News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
