the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I want to fling myself into the sun
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
