Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
