either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
