don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
