Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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