I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
