I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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