Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
